Asae Advice

Draped in Defensiveness

2009-10-17T00:55:00.001-07:00

As one of my lasts posts looked at the destructiveness of control, this post will address a related issue- being defensive. Control is mainly used as a mechanism so that we can protect ourselves and ultimately sway an outcome to be in line with what we want. As we manipulate, this will over time of course lead to alienation. Building walls around ourselves, as we try to protect the ego, also leads to similar feelings of isolation and loneliness. As we all have the desire for true closeness from the ones we love, is operating surrounded by layers upon layers of defensiveness really worth it?

Walking a spiritual path, I am consistently being asked to examine my faults and personal failures. Given my pride, this is not easy! Just as I have felt I have made some progress in a difficult area, or on one of my “mountain” issues, I get a wake-up call. The behavior/attitude/issue has come back, and more intensely than before. My first response of course if defensiveness. “I was working so hard in this area. I think I’ve made great strides. Give me time. Don’t push me!”

The spiritual path is always about new learnings and growth. It constantly pushes for more. When you think you’ve made huge jumps and multiple paradigm shifts, it pushes harder. When you think you can’t handle any new learnings and aren’t able to integrate them fast enough, you will still be given more. It is the ego self which is uncomfortable. The spirit is actually joyous for the opportunities and surprisingly still wants more.

For many of us, defensiveness often stems from a sense of feeling unsafe. After having multiple experiences of abandonment by different caregivers during the first few months of my life, my experience was marked by a pervasive sense of exposure, lacking safety with nothing to protect me and no one to trust. At this early stage in life, I did not have the cognitive nor emotional ability to interpret these events. I was not able to anticipate an outcome of being safe and being cared for. I was lucky enough to eventually be adopted, but the sense of mistrust of virtually anything and everything still persisted. At this point, I built up many, many defenses, whose layers only grew as I matured. It took many years to acknowledge this was a personal issue. Eventually I began to scratch the surface and submitted to a “psychic excavation”, leading me to delve deeper, uncovering layer after layer of defenses and protective measures. As I reflected upon the process and saw the debris left by the process of excavation and examination, it was clear that my life was truly a mess.

As the defensive person builds more and more walls, he/she takes a stance of “Me against the world.”, contributing to a victim mentality. Because this individual is committed to being right, then everyone else must be “wrong”. If everyone else is wrong, then the typically defensive individual never has to take any responsibility nor look at his/her role in a problematic situation.

Being defensive not only damages the person who is shielding, but also others whom this person attempts to interact with. And I use the word “attempt” deliberately, because if walls are present in one or more parties, no true, meaningful interaction can really occur. At most it is “playing” at a relationship and is illusory in nature.

If there is no real foundation for a relationship with a person who allows him/herself to be caught up in defensiveness, ho w can trust and intimacy grow? How would anyone be able to trust someone who is always looking for his/her own advantage and angle? The defensive person cannot love another because the “other” is only seen as a means to an end, an object to fulfill X need for the dysfunctional individual. If you are truly committed to honoring a relationship with another you will eventually find yourself horrified with the notion that at the heart of it, you have allowed yourself to use people for your gain without giving to the other. If you find this an unacceptable way to behave, now is the time to make changes.

Typically you will be given signs if this is an issue you need to work on. If you have had people comment to you that you are difficult to get to know, closed off or unfriendly, you may want to examine your role in turning others away. Perhaps you’ve invited frequent “attack” because you’re so ready for a good fight. Or perhaps you’ve been called on various behaviors by people who care about you. The vantage point of the person who is defensive is extremely limited, and sometimes the people who seem to be attacking you most fervently are actually the people most committed to your growth. These individuals are your teachers in this instance, to be blunt with you so you can open your eyes to the situation.

How do you start to work on this issue? First, make the all important decision to let go. Stop the control. Accept. Surrender. Next, commit to uncovering the layers which protect you. See yourself as open to those who are truly safe. Feel your chest area open up. Project openness from this area. See yourself emanating caring and compassion. Vision the layers surrounding you melting away, layer by layer. Be alright with giving of yourself, and end your withholding. Know that by stepping out in faith, you are taken care of and will be at peace. Believe in your inner strength to survive difficult events, interactions and situations. Therefore the shields are unnecessary and harmful (because you will not allow that which is good to pass).Your spirit will protect you when there is true danger.

Stop seeing everything as a threat. The more people seem to “attack” you, remain centered and calm yourself even more. Thank people for their insights and allow the feedback to soak in before you begin to defend yourself. Let it be ok to not always have to be right or argue your point. Be grateful for the people who do have your best interests at heart and will stick by you when you’ve made the relationship challenging. Decide again and again that you desire to be loving and open, instead of walled off. Realize that people who want to truly serve others have nothing to fear, nor do they have anything to answer for.

If you surround yourself with people who are truly harmful to you, avoid these toxic people! You know at a deep level those who do not contribute to your growth. But open up to those who DO care for you and want the very best for you. If you make this choice, loving people will be sent your way. Take the learning and always remember to offer thanks for the support, even when it is difficult for people to support you, and gratitude for the call from the Universe for you to grow.

Be at peace,
Nicole

Stop Struggling

2009-06-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

When we have important issues we want to work on, many of us operate under the belief system that we must make some type of “grand gesture” in order to over come whatever obstacle we face. I’ve discovered this process is truly only as hard as we make it.

I am not suggesting that this approach works for something that has within it elements that take effort. For instance running a marathon- yes, you do need to train strenuously for months. But marathon running isn’t only about preparing one’s body, it also entirely involves one’s mind and spirit. When examining the intersection of mind, body and spirit, we can decide to stop the struggle in some areas and use rigorous discipline when called for.

I remember a few months ago sitting at a restaurant and suddenly experienced a severe cramp in my leg. My first reaction was to tighten. I instead decided to take the opposite approach and move into the bodily sensation of cramping. I was pleasantly surprised when the pain was minimal, left no lingering painful feeling, almost as if I hadn’t gone thru the experience.

As I’ve engaged in spiritual reading over the past few months, I have been struck time and time again by the concept of “acceptance”. Since our minds are creative, we create what our preconceived notions are. Since we only know the past, we recreate the past, never giving ourselves the chance to enjoy the present moment or new opportunities. Learn to accept what is. Your present experience is what it is now. Decide to surrender. THIS PROCESS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE HARD!!! Remind yourself of this fact consistently. It can just "happen". Let yourself come to decisions quietly within your spirit. As you learn acceptance, it is not for you to judge right now, but to pay attention. You will in time know what to take and learn from the experience, but that time is not now.

Move into acceptance (this helps you let go of control). Remind yourself, “I accept.” Simple. Stick to it. If you’ve accepted a difficult situation, stick with the decision. You made it in faith. Faith has big pay-offs. A person whom I admire greatly has the amazing ability to just accept and rest with difficult decisions- without wavering, going back and forth and so on. This singleness of intent within her mind/body/spirit has produced phenomenal results.

As you are new at practicing this concept, don't try to rush ahead to, "I am so happy about this, this is so wildly fantastic." No- stick with the basic acceptance. If you decide, joy will come in time (but if you are an exception, perhaps it will come quickly for you.)

Accept one event/situation at a time as it comes to you. Stop the fear, let go/surrender and be at peace.

Blessings,
Nicole

Letting Go of Control: Part II

2009-06-17T01:56:00.000-07:00

Letting Go of Control: Part II

In my last post I addressed how to “spot” situations in which you exert control. This post will examine more concrete steps to take to wipe out this “stain” that wounds your soul and spirit.

Again, start to recognize when you have this issue (see previous post). Reflect on how damaging it is to take control, that you are verging if not in fact serving the dark side. Do not let yourself slip up, allow no room for excuses. Ask the Universe for guidance.

Make sure you are opening your ears. Once you ask for guidance, you will receive clues. You might have an internal understanding after an event in which you attempt control or may have others who warn you or ask you to examine this issue. Make sure your heart, eyes and ears are fully open to hearing and seeing the signs.

Keep on asking the Universe to show you, time and time again your missteps in this area. We are often afraid of our ugliness and hide from it. Now is the time to let go of pride, and be open to everything which is presented to you. When you see the dark spots in your spirit, ask for forgiveness. If you are a Christian, pay attention to Psalm 51.

Decide again, to take full accountability and responsibility for all of your past actions (especially when they have been control based and hurt others).

Examine once more your sincerity in letting go of everything which is holding you back. Do you really want this or do you want to control how you will get over control?

Look at any power struggling you are doing. With a boss, spouse, family member? Realize that power struggles do not serve any relationship, except to damage and cause strife. Let go. Let another “win” if you have to. You probably don’t have the judgment right now to determine “rightness” and “wrongness”, you have no objectivity. If you power struggle and have a sharp tongue, stop the harsh words immediately. Stop wounding with unkind speech.

Decide to be open. Let go of any defensiveness or any entitlement you have to staying in control (i.e., “People are mean to me so I must protect myself.”)

Be in the “flow”, letting everything run through you (emotions), without judgment or needing to analyze. Feel what you feel but don’t dwell on the feelings.

RECEIVE! Be open to receive as well as when you give. Give and receive both with joy in your heart.

Be grateful to receiving EVERYTHING that comes to you, give praise for when people want to give you love.

Respond/receive in the moment- DO NOT try to anticipate how you will respond, receive, act (this is just another form of control). Everything is a test, you must respond in each moment appropriately as each opportunity presents itself.

Surrender. Ask the Universe to take over, show you whatever is necessary, deal with you however necessary. You no longer have any entitlements or “rights”. Ask the Universe to make you truly human. You belong to God/Universe, not yourself, not your control, not those whom you make an idol.

If necessary, again revisit the times when you’ve hurt others, when you’ve failed to let go. Take inventory of these events, take responsibility, vow to make amends, apologize whenever possible. Were others a mirror to you with their control issues? What can you learn from them?

Other behaviors to consider:
Look at your issues of commitment. Are you doing what you say you will do? Are you completing anything?
Are you being passive-aggressive (especially if you’re a woman?)
Are you holding onto entitlements?
Are you being defensive still and power struggling?
Are you fully hearing others?

Vow to see this issue through until it is no longer an issue. Fall down, get up, repeat this process as many times as needed until it has no hold over you. Decide you will see this through to the end, no “outs”. Darkness will act just at the time when you’re going to make a breakthrough.
Know you will be successful with the help of God/The Universe and only God. Do not rely on your own strength, let go of the pride.

Pray daily/hourly, ask for instruction, ask for opportunities to let go, let down, let down walls.
Pray and memorize Psalm 51 (especially if you are a Christian). Meditate daily on service and on receiving and releasing control.

Continue to ask the Universe for forgiveness.

Decide to serve (get out of yourself and your selfishness) instead of self-pity, moping about, do something constructive (just don’t sit there and think about this issue, DO SOMETHING special for someone else. Think about others constantly and what you can do for them, how you can help and serve.)

Do not worry about outcomes from helping others (will people act the way you expect them to, will they give you back what you think you deserve, these are not question in which you need to focus). People will respond to you how they choose to respond, you have no control over this. Stop expectations or “getting hurt”.

Give up rebelliousness.

Be vigilant, daily. Serve, respond, ask for help, ask for guidance. Do everything with joy in your spirit.

Ask for anything unholy to be killed within you.

Continue to listen.

This final step may be the biggest frog to swallow. If you have control issues, at your core you have issues with receiving, particularly love. Be open to love. Be open to joy. If you are open to God, you therefore are subjecting yourself to be open to an infinite love. Let yourself feel this desire. Seek that which is holy. Praise every moment that you are taken care of, loved, where God/The Universe will never fail you nor forsake you.

Eternal peace,
Nicole

Voicing Love

2009-06-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

As an introvert, I have had many hurdles in showing extroverts, particularly my husband, my deep love and appreciation. Even after countless conversations about what my husband needed to hear from me and how he desired I communicate, I was generally mystified about his true needs.

I’ve made several mistakes in this area. I’ve heard only what I’ve wanted to hear. I’ve communicated according to my needs only. I’ve held back (withheld). I’ve played the martyr or victim to remain in control. For such a simple request on my beloved’s part, why was I so stubborn?

If you find yourself facing a situation where someone is wanting love from you, do not hold back. Give of yourself fully. Recognize that the love is a true gift to you. Don’t shun it. Voice your appreciation, frequently (especially an introvert to an extrovert). As an introvert, don’t be afraid that repeated affirmations of love and caring over time will sound hollow. When people who have opened themselves up to you, they are left incredibly vulnerable. This vulnerability carries with it a certain degree of insecurity. For this reason, being vocal is one of the most important things you can do to reaffirm, time and again, your deep feelings towards the other. This should never be neglected nor taken lightly. Understand that kind and loving words on a consistent basis will go a long way. This is the start to healing a relationship that has experienced scarring.

There is a story (which I will probably butcher as I attempt to paraphrase it) about a young boy with a bad temper. Each time his temper flared, his father had him pound a nail into a fence. Over time, he learned to control his anger. At the point where he could manage his temper and didn’t need to pound nails into the fence, his father directed him each day to take out a nail from the fence. When he finished he received praise for his work, but was also reminded by his father that given the holes, the fence could never fully be restored. When we let our tempers flare and use harsh words, just like the holes in the fence, the wounds we cause through careless words can never be fully erased. Remember that each time you neglect to use kindness in your speech you cause pain. Every time you communicate through anger, you again cause scarring. We all carry the imprints of this type of wounding on our souls. What right do we have to inflict this upon another?

If you have been unloving by being careless with your words, or withholding in your communication, realize that the damage you have caused is difficult to undo. Acknowledge your mistakes. Make a consistent effort to be vocal, letting only words of peace pass between you and your beloved. Use your kind speech as a gift to another, with the only intention of building up, not tearing down. By recognizing that the love you have from another is a true blessing, not an entitlement, celebrate all the ways in which you can bring joy and peace to the ones whom you are most intimate with.

In peace and light,
Nicole

Letting Go of Control

2009-06-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

Letting Go of Control

Unfortunately, exercising rigid control in many areas of my life has been a longstanding reality. Initially learning this behavior, to “control” an out of control environment during a difficult childhood was a means for survival. As I’ve matured with the goal of maintaining strong and loving relationships with others, the nasty grip of control has not served me well.

In one’s initial examination of this issue within oneself, the usual conclusion is, “Hey, I’m really not that controlling.” So, basic denial. Down the road a bit, one typically meets the issue of this ugly demon yet again. If this is your experience, listen now! Don’t wait until you’ve been given so many chances to change this behavior that the consequences grow more steep and painful. Open your ears. Open your heart. Put your pride aside. Listen to what others or the universe are trying to teach you. These stirring thoughts and clues are actually a gift.

Giving up control is a central goal of walking any true spiritual path. Since the end result of walking the path is true freedom, then giving up all control or illusions of control must be dealt with at some point along the path. For many, this is a deep and central issue. It must be watched and monitored. For those on the path, they need to deeply desire GIVING UP, completely and at every level their obsessive need to have their way and to have their control.

Let’s say over a few weeks that you believe that you’ve given up control for awhile. You let others have a say, you let things just “flow” or you don’t need to have things turn out the way you thought they should. You’re in great shape now, you’ve mastered it! Aren’t congratulations in order? Well not really. You may have jumped the gun too soon. For some of us it is years too soon. This issue is not dealt with overnight. The degree of strength of the powerful but ultimately destructive ego-self will determine how long it takes to master letting go of this basic instinct.

Now we are aware that control can in a sneaky manner creep back into our spirits and that it can take time to eradicate. What are the best ways to overcome it?

Truly look at your desire to eliminate all control. Are you still in denial that it has an impact on your life? Acknowledge fully that this must end in your life. Make a commitment to yourself to end it and its manifestations.

Whenever you catch yourself trying to exercise control, don’t give yourself excuses as to why your behavior was ok in this instance. Kill the excuses, kill the defensiveness. If others offer excuses for you to protect you or make you feel better, do not buy this BS just because it is coming from someone else. Own up to it. See that it had the effect of being anywhere from mildly irritating to severely damaging (to yourself and others). Make a commitment to do better and not make the same mistake. Ask for forgiveness from others if you’ve hurt them. Forgive yourself. Then move forward in love and peace.

Also be aware of the ways we justify the use of control. It could be because we think we’re trying to protect someone else (we know when we make this excuse). Or when we are just trying to be helpful. Then there are the basic scenarios where we excuse our controlling nature such as, “Well I acted that way because I was scared.” or, “I was hurt so I wanted to protect myself.” These lists of excuses unfortunately can be carried on ad infinitum. Allowing yourself loopholes or excuses only makes the process of truly letting go of this destructive habit more difficult.

Examine the situations in which you exercise high degrees of control. With a spouse? Every time there is a decision to be made about dinner? Every interaction you have with your child? Notice these areas that are hot buttons. Monitor yourself closely during these times or interactions. Look at bodily clues. If you start to feel anxiety each time your child acts up and you want to remain in tight control (the inappropriate type, not the type that you should naturally exercise around your child), calm yourself first, decide not to use your power to control the event, then respond.

You cannot have a loving, close or integrity filled interaction with another when you attempt to exert your will when it is not appropriate. Trying to remain in control sets you up as the person who decides how things go, negating or denying the power of the person you have a relationship with. It is not up to you to decide through your control. You are inappropriately using your power and manipulation to direct someone else. This desire does not in an honest manner support the free will of another and is in fact a vehicle for the dark side to present itself. Again it is up to you, so kill it now. Live in joy instead. Let yourself experience true freedom. Know that you do not belong to yourself. Do not trap yourself with your own wants, needs and desires. You cannot be useful to the Universe until every last seed of this desire is eliminated. The time to decide to let go is now.

In peace and light,
Nicole

Competition Results in Separation

2009-02-10T23:00:00.001-08:00

I’ve never met a competition I didn’t like. For people who know me extremely well, or have witnessed my competitive nature growing up regarding piano contests, know I’m highly competitive. Whether it’s a result of my upbringing (nurture) or nature, there are doubtless many reasons why I chose to view each challenge, whether personal or professional, as something to win and dominate. Given the fact that I can be high-strung at times and somewhat insecure, striving to win every competition could perhaps be another way to convince myself that I’m worth liking or that people will find value in me.

Psychologists and therapists describe our insecurities with terminology such as “self-esteem” or having rigid “contingencies of self-worth” (conditions that must be met that we place on ourselves to prove we are worthy). Basically as humans we often look for external validation- sources outside of ourselves to provide this knowledge through affirmation and recognition. Where does this insane drive to be liked and accepted come from? Our childhood and not so distant memories of being chided on the playground? Insecurities about being liked by your peer group regardless of whether you were “popular” or not? Childhood aside, why do we constantly need to prove our worth to others as much as to ourselves?

Since time immemorial, humans have been thrown together in competition as individuals and as groups. When the earliest forms of life appeared as single celled microorganisms, a fight ensued for limited resources to promote growth of the incipient cellular structure. Biological models elucidating the process of natural selection and theories of evolution could be described as a cruel competition hosted by nature Herself.

Today we are surrounded by competition, though little of it has anything to do with basic survival. We are bombarded weekly by a new reality based TV show, using competition as a plot device. We see the spirit of fierce competition between countries in the Olympic Games of this past summer. As candidates apply for job positions, there is an underlying competition between job seekers as the company seeks to find the perfect new employee. Even in the realm of intimate relationships, we frequently see couples “competing” with one another and engaging in power struggles. As our modern sensibilities attest, competition is virtually inescapable.

Some of this is healthy, useful and fun. Some disagreements or contests can further compassion and understanding between formerly combative parties. Competing for jobs assures that the best candidates will fit the needs of the company. But sometimes competition can be destructive.

For example, in intimate relationships power struggles can lead to alienation. Rather than entering into power struggles, a compromise is often easier to reach than one might think. If compromise is out of the question, another alternative would be for one member to concede his/her position as an act of love, rather than “losing.” In doing so, the party stepping down acknowledges that he/she chooses pick his/her battles, aware of the damage of turning every argument into WWIII. It takes maturity in an intimate relationship to realize that the point of couplehood, and learning to live peacefully with another is not to win competitions or disagreements, but to always choose to find loving solutions even though it is difficult. “Winning” or “losing” is not the goal. Loving one another and working together is.

We must be careful about engaging in competition and realize there are consequences. We must ask if it is relatively fun and harmless, or useless and unnecessary. What is our true purpose? If we want to master something or achieve a difficult goal, such as competing in a triathalon to get in shape and train with friends, our motives may reasonable, or even admirable.

But many times competition has a darker side. We should exercise caution in instances where the ultimate goal of competing is to simply establish feelings of superiority over the loser. Competition for status and prestige based on what one could term a “cultural” or “social” imperative for survival can turn ugly among friends. As couples strive to “keep up with the Joneses’,” each looking to out-buy the other, a cycle of endless, pathological spending as well as ill feelings can result. As we try to “one up” people with whom we have a friendship, a sense of alienation and separation (wanting to distance) ensues. Who wants to be intimate with a friend who secretly gloats over his/her superiority to you? When power struggles arise between people who are designed to support one another, they are damaging to the relationship and extremely draining of our energy. At the macro level, when any one group, system or country must consistently prove its superiority over another, the consequences can be devastating, whether the competition is between families, friends and neighbors or institutions or countries.

The roots of the word “to compete”, derived from ancient Latin, (COMPETERE) describes the state “to strive together”. But yet, we rarely strive together as one collective body. By our nature, we all seek admiration and attention to satisfy the ego self. Think about billions of people out there who attempt to differentiate themselves from one another, each voice clamoring for recognition, seeking external validation. Let us instead not seek external validation or attempt to use an external loudspeaker to promote ourselves, but act to serve those external to us. The paradox, clearly exemplified in Christian terms, is that the highest honor is given to the most humble servant, not to the individual with the most authority or power.

As we serve, questions of our worth and value become immaterial. As we grow into a heart of service, we find that we are admired and recognized by others due to our love and compassion — but find that it no longer matters. What matters is the service being rendered. No longer do we seek to be in competition, but instead celebrate the accomplishments of all people.

The highly Spiritual Person doesn’t give a second thought about who reaches a goal first- merely that it has been reached, and in a manner of collaboration. A personal achievement by my husband becomes an achievement for us as a couple, and vice versa. A success of a friend becomes something you want to tell everyone about. You gain energy and become awestruck as you notice the varied gifts of those around you. Your unique personal gifts and talents are likely to deepen as well. By supporting one another, a bond, sense of connectedness and trust becomes the foundation for relationships rather than the shaky foundation most relationships (or rather relationships that are really acquaintances) crumble upon. And learning this depth of intimacy is one of the hallmarks of spiritual mastery.

It has been a challenge to face my competitive nature head on, and I must always remember the moments when I have witnessed the beauty of working to “strive together” with one’s neighbor, rather than needing to be first in all things. This is an essential key to the Wild Spirituality that sets us free to serve and love others.

Blessings,
Nicole

The First Step is the Most Difficult

2008-12-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

When I was a martial arts student several years ago, I recall being told by my instructor, or sensei, that progressing from a white (first belt) to yellow belt (the next belt level) was always the most difficult. I was already at an intermediate level by this point when he delivered this bit of information. With each new level more difficult to reach, I questioned his statement since moving from white to yellow had seemed like such a piece of cake (in retrospect of course).

With further explanation he gave his reasoning, stating that it is always hard to take the first step. Not everyone has a desire to pursue martial arts, but of the people who do have the desire, not many attempt to explore it.

Thinking back to my own experience as a novice, I remembered back to my first evening of classes. Starting off as a white belt was scary. Not only did I have no idea what I was doing, but I was the lowest on the totem pole. I was placed in an adult class consisting of a few black belts also in the mix. I didn’t want to appear slow, awkward or like I was new to the game. But of course this is what all the other students and instructors expected since I was starting at the bottom, the same place everyone else had started when they began their training. As we were instructed to enter the dojo to begin class, I couldn’t help but worry and wonder, “Is this right?”

After my first evening, I was hooked. I rapidly progressed from the lowest belt to almost a black belt. I fell in love with martial arts because personally, it signified a way to condition one’s body, to establish and enhance the mind/body connection, for the discipline, and for the beauty and grace of the katas (forms). What I learned during my 5 yrs. as a student was literally life changing and was an experience that deeply resonated with and enriched my spirit (ie, when the ego self lets go of control and merges with the spirit self).

I am thankful in this particular instance, I let my desire lead instead of fear. I could have easily convinced myself this really wasn’t me and walked away. With fear (of shame, looking stupid, being made fun of, worrying if we’ll turn out to be incompetent in a new area) we allow ourselves to say “no” to a multitude of opportunities. We distrust that which we do not already know. Think of the degree to which we deprive ourselves of the deepest desires within our hearts, minds and spirits.

Saying “no” to ourselves creates the first and only real barrier. If we want something strongly enough, there are usually ways to make our desire come to fruition (whether it is financially, fitting it into our schedule or letting down the psychological barriers which we’ve created). Sometimes our desires will conflict with the rightful and legitimate needs of others. This is a time when we must carefully examine our wants, to determine if it is loving to go down this new path. Otherwise, if we’re “free and clear” so to speak, it is our duty to explore opportunities, choices, and then decide on a beginning.

We are only consciously aware of and make decisions based upon what we have experienced in the past. We use this knowledge to anticipate the future. Therefore, taking the first step in a new arena, whether it is for work, in a relationship, a spiritual path or self-improvement is truly frightening. If our past has a history of being fear based with regrettable mistakes, we predict that the unknown future can only be filled with disappointments, failures, and let downs. This is devastating to the spirit as we avoid risk, opportunities and fulfilling our potential. Each new opportunity must be looked at individually. Our goal is for learning. Some experiences will exceed our expectations while others will be different than what we expect. Most trials we face are tests of will, desire and the inner knowledge we have the strength to learn and grow, not tests of actual skill. We must allow ourselves to be free to experience the desire, while our faith provides the tools to accomplish the rest.

Martial arts ultimately might not have been me. I had a natural aptitude for the art, but I could just as easily have had no skill whatsoever. There are an infinite number of possibilities of why I could have succeed or failed, and what ifs. But I prevailed. I made it through the rough spots. I made it through grueling 5 hour tests that examined my character, stamina, grace, and ability. I am grateful that I was guided by an inner force unwilling to recognize failure as an option. In examining my decision to take the first step, even though I had fear of the unknown, I didn’t choose carefully or calculate every possibility. I just stuck to my gut which told me “I really need to do this.” And so I did.

Love to all,

Nicole

Dreams Take Work

2008-11-12T00:17:00.000-08:00

Have you ever found yourself wondering “What did I get myself into?” at the point when your dream actually starts to manifest? My recent house move is a great example of being unprepared for the work involved when reaching a goal.

For 3 years, I had dreamt of the day when the moving truck would arrive at my small home, to whisk my family away so we could embark upon a new beginning. After the moving truck departed 9 and a half hours later from our new dwelling, reality quickly set in. The move took longer than expected. We had more stuff than expected (a home and 3 storage sheds). It took many hours and multiple car trips to finish work at the old property.

I took weeks off from work to move, unpack, clean, repair and arrange items from hundreds of boxes in our new home. Much of the new house had to be cleaned and inspected. I had over 10 visits from repair men to fix broken appliances or do installations. It became a priority to buy new furniture, area rugs and assemble multiple book cases. I organized and categorized over a thousand books. Most of the rooms could not be put together until new furniture had been bought and delivered. It took time to locate the closest Costco, find other grocery stores and switch over prescriptions.

I did not anticipate that I would need to deal with the effects of months of neglected lawn care and clean up piles of new fall leaves. It was time consuming to figure out where to hang dozens of pictures. I could continue but I think my point has been made. Every aspect of this dream required a great deal of work. In the process I was fatigued and frequently overwhelmed. I had seen visions of living in the new environment, but did not actually picture myself rummaging through an endless number of boxes.

In your dreams, everything is fresh, bright and easy. Who ever envisions actual work or disappointment when the journey begins? Here are a few tips to avoid setting oneself up for unrealistic expectations and to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Be grateful. It, what ever it is, has finally happened. You had some part in creating it. Know that you have been blessed. Acknowledge this with gratitude that your prayers and faith in the process has brought you to a new path. As you move forward and get into the nitty gritty of living your dream (ie. you are exhausted, cranky or your expectations have not been met), remember to be thankful, even when it is difficult. I am grateful merely for the fact that we could afford a bigger home and afford to make furniture purchases. To many this would be a luxury.

Take one day at a time. I had moments when I would stare at the 2 car garage (completely filled with 3 storage sheds worth of boxes) and wonder how I would ever wade through all the stuff. Where do I start? Some days I could clear 30 boxes, other days I could get through 5. My back was in spasm from all the lifting and carrying. I didn’t seem to make much progress which started to produce massive anxiety. The job had to get done. At the moment when I remembered to take it box by box, project by project, my mind refocused. I stopped feeling overwhelmed. I had faith the job would be finished quickly. This allowed for more time to be productive and less time spent on useless worry.

Make a game plan. My husband is great at strategy. He immediately developed a plan of attack including what to buy, knowing where to arrange furniture, making a budget for new purchases, making a list of what was broken, and ensuring things got fixed. Making the house livable didn’t just happen. He anticipated needs, budgeted and planned. We were rarely surprised by an unexpected problem.

Prioritize. Even when you move, life still carries on. Bills still need to be paid, your day job still continues. Figure out what can be put off for a day or week, and what is essential to act upon quickly. Don’t allow yourself room for mistakes just because you are under additional stress. Manage obstacles as they arise. Trust yourself to prioritize, make good decisions and get things done.

Get the right help. I finally succumbed and hired a handyman. He worked his magic and transformed my garage into an area that could actually be used to park cars! He arranged all the boxes for storage in organized columns in the basement. He fixed blinds and did troubleshooting. I also hired a cleaning person for a few hours who worked magic. A generous friend donated her valuable time to assist in the packing and moving process. Their collective service took a huge weight off of my shoulders. Sure I could have probably done it myself, but their assistance was incalculable in terms of psychic relief.

This is just a phase. The learning curve or laying the initial groundwork will not last forever. Nothing is static. Find meaning in each stage of your journey even if it is painful or difficult.

Just do it. Stop procrastinating on the little things (or big things). Don’t wait for the “perfect” or “right” time. I was initially paralyzed by fear, and told myself the house had to look perfect. Again, this was a complete waste of energy. There is no perfect way to do something. There is your way and it is good enough.

My husband and I joke that instead of praying to move, we pray we will never have to move again. All kidding aside, living and acting upon my dream was worth it. My home looks even better than I had ever imagined. I am thankful that I have a new environment where my family can be nurtured and at peace. I have learned quite a few lessons and am grateful for all of the help I received along the way. It is comforting to know for the future my dreams can continue to be big and bold, because I have all the tools needed to carry them through.

Live your life!

Nicole